Short of Normal: A Post Top Surgery Poem To My Future Child

Ever since my breasts were removed, 

I can't help but wonder if I should have waited.

This isn't the kind of regret that you might think it is. 

I hated that part of my body like I have never hated anything before. 

But I know that if I had waited…

that part of my body would have given you one more normal facet of a traditional upbringing. 

There are still times when I fantasize about how a trauma that I swallowed would have brought you to me sooner. 

I could have been one more womb that was forced to walk on a wavering political thread.

But I wasn't. 

Lucky me. 

Lucky me. 

I live in a place which gives me easy access to the care that helps me live out who I am.

But who I am, goes against what normal looks like in this society. 

And for you, I want everything to be as normal as possible. 

I don't want to drive behind an ambulance transporting you to a preventable hospital stay.

I don't want to see a scar on your wrist that could've been avoided had I just done a better job at giving you "normal."

So I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry if this decision of mine causes you any grief down the road. 

I'm sorry if the scar drawn across my chest is the reason for why you end up being the punchline of someone else's joke. 

One time a classmate used my name to make fun of the dysfunction of my parents' marriage, so trust me I get it. 

Despite this, I hope you come to a place where you can forgive me for choosing to never give this part of myself to you. 

But even if you don't, I will still be here.

I will still love you, no matter what.